Edward is Kyle's Mom
by BraveHeartMutt94
Summary: When Edward leaves Bella and forces the gang to move to Ithaca, no one is happy. On the ride there, Emmett decides to display his frustration in song form. From Carlisle's point of view, rated for swearing  though is pretty hysterical . Please review!


I had reluctantly volunteered to drive down to Ithaca at Edward's inane request, considering I believed he was only causing everyone heartbreak or unnecessary difficulty at transferring schools and uprooting. We had argued fiercely last night over whether it would be in Bella's best interest for him to stay or go and were not currently on speaking terms, taking a cooling off period before attempting to communicate again. So, he sat in the front seat of the Range Rover with Emmett and Alice in the back, glaring out the window away from me. Alice had assured me we would kiss and make up later on, but it still worried me whenever he got into that sort of mood. I kept my eyes on the road concernedly, wishing someone would break the heavy silence in the car. As if he read my mind, Emmett started trying to break the ice.

"You guys, this is all Edward's fault!"

"Shut up, Emmett!" Edward snapped back at him.

"Edward's the one that forced us to move again, and all because he's a big, fat, stupid bit-"

"Don't start, Emmett…"

"Well…" He started to sing loudly and off key, but Edward glared at him, cutting him off. Oh boy, I saw where this one was headed, after being subjected to hearing the South Park movie soundtrack playing nearly every time I passed Emmett's door. I tried to suppress a smile as an obviously peeved Edward crossed his arms beside me.

"Don't do it, Emmett!" Edward turned around, glaring him down.

"Well…" Emmett started again, unintimidated.

"I'm warning you!"

"Okay, okay…" Emmett raised his hands in surrender, glancing at me mischievously in the mirror and winking slyly.

"I'm getting really sick of you calling me a-"

"Well Edward's a bitch, he's a big fat bitch, he's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, he's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, he's a bitch to all the boys and girls…"

"Shut your fucking mouth, Emmett!"

"Language, Edward!" I could handle Emmett's song, namely because it was truthful and funny, but not uncalled for swearing.

"On Monday he's a bitch, on Tuesday he's a bitch, and Wednesday through Saturday he's a bitch, then on Sunday just to be different he's a super kingkamehameha be-yotch!" He then turned to Alice. "Come on, you know the words!"

"Have you ever met my friend Edward he's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world…"

I could hardly contain my laughter as they sang in perfect harmony, Edward fuming beside me. I was tempted to join in Emmett's song, but since the bitch in question was sitting next to me, to do so would have risked a car accident.

"Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this!"

It was all in jibberish from there, but I couldn't help myself anymore and it made me laugh. Edward shot a death glare at me, peeved, but seemingly didn't know who to hate more-Emmett the instigator, Alice who joined along, or me the civil one who had succumbed to a laughing fit at his expense.

"Um, Emmett…" Alice realized we were turning into our new driveway, and I held my breath. Uh oh…

"Edward is a bitch and he's just a dirty bitch! I really mean it, Edward…is a big fat fuckin' bitch! Big old fat fuckin' bitch Edward! Yeah!" I caught a glimpse of jazz hands in the back seat. "Tcha!"

Alice and I were both pale as I pulled into the driveway.

"What?" Emmett was seemingly perplexed by our horror and sudden silence, then realized where we were and his face slowly fell. I cut the ignition and it suddenly was extremely quiet in the car. I heard the click of Edward's seatbelt being undone, and Emmett would have paled even more, if that was possible.

"Oh, fuck."

With that remark, the two became a blur in our new yard, chasing each other around with Edward shouting curses at Emmett.

"So help me God, Emmett! When I catch you, I'm going to RIP YOUR NUTS OFF!"

I banged my head softly against the steering wheel, and as Alice started trying to quell the argument, I wondered why I had ever wanted kids in the first place.


End file.
